Despite all the repeated warnings - the horror stories about PhDs that ramble on for 10 years, the stress, nervous breakdowns, relationship breakups - I decided to continue. It has been 3 years since I converted from the Masters program at Curtin to the Doctor of Philosophy(Art). Although the content and writing style has changed a bit, most of my candidacy document is still relavent. This is an extract:
If I were to choose a genre for my own work it would be the figure-in-landscape because it summarises a philosophical orientation rather than a literal categorisation of subject matter. Unsurprisingly this is based on an obsession with my place in the world but extends beyond economic and physical comfort. It is more about the spirit of the body and the soul of the land.
The figure-in-landscape is a recurring theme in Euro-Australian painting and provides a visual record of changing attitudes to our place on this continent. It enables us to view the evolution of a national identity through images, many of which convey the difficulties artists had in including the human figure; even an iconic painter like Heysen was unable to integrate his figures successfully within his landscapes. (Hoorn, 2007: 204) Although this reveals something of the physical problems of painting it is also tells us about the struggle with an unfamiliar and harsh environment. More interestingly for me it speaks of a psychological struggle.
I have just officially returned to my study after a 6 month leave of absence - the death of my father last November followed by the serious injury to my foot and subsequent depression made it impossible to continue. I couldn't sit at the computer to write, I couldn't stand to paint. The sheer meaninglessness of trying to share my obscure theories with what was likely to be a very specific and tiny audience finally overwhelmed me.
Lying on my bed watching inane daytime television I was forced to accept the possibility that I just may not be able to complete my doctorate. After the endless hours of painting and study I was shattered. I had already drafted the e-mail to my supervisors. However, as I crawled out from the black hole on hands and knees I began to re-evaluate the paintings and take another look at the thesis. I was still passionate about my subject.
Having had a real break made it much easier to see the huge flaws in both the practical and the theoretical work. I have now finished the first draft of the first 3 parts, which leaves findings and conclusions - about 30+ pages in a 100 page (36000 word) document. With edits, linking statements etc I expect it will finish up around 40000 words all up. I have chosen 4 from the 5 x 2.4 sq metre paintings to submit, they are basically resolved works but will need finishing off. I am about to send my first draft to my supervisor for attack by the entity that is the savage 'red biro' (my little joke with her about her corrections and feedback). I may still not get to the finish line, but I am going to give it my best shot - I can at least see the finishing line now.
What changed my mind about conceding defeat in the end was watching an interview of some famous sportsperson (whose name escapes me, not into sport) about the huge physical and psychological barriers they encountered trying to reach their final goal. Instead of thinking that maybe life is telling me not to do this, perhaps I am just being tested and these are barriers I can and should try and overcome.
I have come to the conclusion, that in this context, a PhD is simply a modern initiation 'wisdom' ritual.
image: Frantom, small study, ink and gouache
13 comments:
Thank you, Michelle. I really needed to hear your thoughts today.
Hey BT - what's going on in your life? You sound a bit world-weary....
A great post Michelle. There are so many horror stories ... maybe a six month sabbatical is the right thing to do for us all! A bit of fresh perspective. I think it is that slog, hey, of not stopping to check out where we went off tangent is where we can come unstuck. Maybe.
It is a huge task and you are right about the rite. I really enjoyed you giving us your 'three minute thesis' the other night. It still sounds tight when you say it out loud like that.
3 minute thesis sounds a lot more doable! Which BTW was my supervisor's way of evaluating my candidacy. Doable. Yes, so easy to go off track. I have been very disciplined about that, but I'll bet my supervisor will throw out a lot of what I have written.
Hey Michelle,
having traveled the inside road of a Ph.D program (as spouse), your description seems so familiar in terms of the doubt, the struggle, the sacrifices that have to be made.
When I first saw the title of the post, my curiosity was piqued because I immediately considered what exactly it initiates one into. My husband sometimes ruefully recognizes the way it's changed him.
It sounds like those six months were existentially hard, dark, empty months in many ways. I'm glad that another perspective has appeared that allowed you to recognize alternative stories within the process.
I was struck by this: "the sheer meaninglessness of trying to share my obscure theories with what was likely to be a very specific and tiny audience finally overwhelmed me," and I thought - "but maybe this tiny and specific audience needs to hear what you have to say."
I can tell, just by this sentence, "It is more about the spirit of the body and the soul of the land," that you're touching upon something critically important, even if only a few people know that. Yeah, the majority of people will continue a tv-stupefied, consumption-driven, the-world-is-human-centric life, but that doesn't mean that the land is not deeply related to soul.
I'm glad for your sense of renewal in this work and am cheering you on.
Thankyou so much Neighbour. It was really heartwarming to read your comments. Yes, the 6 months from last November were very dark. I seem to experience these times in my life periodically. I do feel they are the times I learn the most though.
I have thought about you quite a few times moving into your new life, wondering how you are going. I hope you are enjoying it, or at least will when you get resettled.
PS re what are we being initiated into? I think it is a modern evolution of the 'wisdom traditions' - becoming an 'elder' of one's community or social group/culture. I have been made much more aware of the concept of elders while working with Aboriginal people these last several years. I have met a lot of the local elders, see how it might have operated and fragments of that structure that still do. There is much responsibility of course that goes with this, which is what your husband may feel perhaps.....
Yes ... what Neighbour said ...
I have to return and say that I just love your painting and its connection to this post.
I've had a phd moment this week, on writing about the Tyreelore (island wives, as they called themselves). I realised I was going to have to deal with infanticide. There is no way around it, I have to cover it. Phuck.
So yes, rites of passage ...
Crikey ST - does it fit into the thesis though?
Yes - the levels of personal agency and autonomy that the women possessed, while living with the sealers on Bass strait, is directly connected with some pretty mercenary decisions. That's what I'm writing about at the moment, as part of the exegesis.
What a treat to read your blog and to discover a fellow PhD candidate, and in Australia too.
I'm glad you're going to finish your work. It seems to me essential. Too many people drop off along the way.
I'm in that strange place myself, putting in the finishing touches to a PhD that's taken me seven years to complete, the best part of my fifties, but I'm nearly there.
I came here via your comment on Sarah Toa's wonderful writing. It's so good to read about people and their relationship to the sea, and the land.
I have a friend, a fellow writer and surfer, Favel Parret. She's just completed her first novel. She hails from Tasmania and writes about the surfing life. Lovely stuff, as is yours.
I'm very pleased to meet you.
NIce to meet you too Elisabeth. 7 years....wow, I'll bet it went realy fast too. Thanks for your coments. It's encouraging to get encouragement! I really hope I can finish my thesis. And good luck with yours, what's it about? I know, that is such a huge question.....
Joan Campbell said:
Truly absorbing: you may be surprised how large your audience may be regarding your theme of figure in the landscape.
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