So far the Year of the Dog is proving to be a bit of a bitch and no better than the Rooster annus horribilus of 2017. We are still riding the roller coaster of hope-disappointment-hope re selling our house. Financial recovery is painfully slow after 2 months with no pay over the summer break and some bad spending decisions. The surf continues to be dreadful, so much so that I have renamed my local break Imposters. It is advertised to tourists as a 'world class break' which is completely misleading and climate change is only making it worse.
Events of the past week have made me realise I need to seriously re-evaluate my life. Over the past 5-6 years I signed up for one online course after the other to consolidate my qualifications and ensure I was worth employing, only to be ripped off by the system as institutions grappled with changes to VET education and fee structures. I didn't receive one recognised qualification in return for my investment and have accrued more debt.
I know staying employed is a struggle for many - ongoing cutbacks and job insecurity are the norm as employers, including government, shift from a permanent to a casual/contract workforce. There's no such thing as a 'safe' public service job any more. Like a lot of other folk I've been trying to stay ahead of the game - hence trying to get qualifications and broaden my skills base. With cutbacks in education and to the arts in general, I figured it might be sensible to diversify so I paid $3000 for a week long BAL Assessors course. As a casual, I also had to forego a week's wages, purchase a $110 textbook and drive 100km a day - so the total bill was closer to $4000. Today, on the last day of the course, I chucked it in before morning tea because I was raling against the same compliance-audit culture that drives me insane in my educational role. And because I would have had to pay more money I don't have for accreditation, shitloads of liability insurance and get referees before I could apply my newfound skills and actually make some income. The decision to do the course was a head one - in the end it was my heart that rebelled and forced me to abandon it.
Driving home today I said to myself: you really need to stop doing this. I should have learnt by now that the battle between head and heart causes me the greatest conflict - mainly because society encourages me to make head decisions and I am a heart person. I'm quite capable of using my head but I decided today that I should trust my instincts when it comes to making these types of decisions because in the end it's the heart that always wins out. It forces me to act because every cell in my body rebels if I don't. Crazy. I really did try to stick out the last day of the course - I tried to rationalise that I may as well finish it I was so close. But I just couldn't stay in the room.
So here I am feeling pretty sorry for myself but already making some new ground rules. I'm writing them down here as a 'note to self' because I want to make sure I stick to them.
1. I need to stop doing things for people who take advantage. They don't mean to - but people are generally so self obsessed they don't even know they are doing it. No more freebies (unless it's for friends, and I only have a few of those). That means no more free graphic design jobs for the local surf club (who didn't even think to invite me to the free pizza night held to thank volunteers).
2. Do just enough to keep body and soul together but the rest of the time - do what brings you peace and contentment. Stop trying to right the wrongs of the world and save everyone. It's not your responsibility.
3. And most of all - stop trying so bloody hard. I've known all my life that 'reality' was a sham. Now that all the systems that have served us in the past are finally showing real signs of falling apart, there's even less need to persist with the illusion. It was always a stupid game - now it doesn't even make sense. We all need to let go of it. Chaos will ensue, but there's no going back now so we may as well embrace the change.
image: ©Dr Grafix (aka Michelle Frantom), digital drawing, 2017
