I'm back. Where do I start?

I haven't blogged for two and a half years. I gave up because it felt pointless. It probably still is. 

For many years I've been venting on Facebook. 6 months ago the AI Meta bots decided to cancel me. No real explanation. Maybe it was something to do with the Photoshopped memes of Donald Trump I had posted on my business account. Maybe it was my feminist, environmental, pro-planet, socially democratic views. Who knows. And who cares. I have a VPN and could get back in if I could be bothered, but Facebook is such an ugly platform, I'm probably better off without it. 

So I am back.

I don't quite know where to start, so rather than try and do a quick summary of what's been happening and where my head is at - I'll just reconnect with Blogger and add random posts when the mood takes me.

global boiling

Today the UN chief finally ditched the global 'warming' euphemism and shifted to 'global boiling'. Thank fuck for that. Next question - how the hell does the UN think that making these declarations actually helps?

I'm exhausted. I've been grieving for years now. Every time I see an expression of the beauty of this planet I cry, or I want to cry. I cry often.

 
Saying over and over again that we are in a crisis is completely pointless. Calling on fossil fuel companies to change their behaviour is pointless. The oil is produced for people, PEOPLE WHO WON'T STOP USING IT. People who still think they have a right to take an overseas holiday, fly around the world for important meetings, take cruises on ships that burn up God knows how much energy being built, then providing their customers with a luxurious 'experience'.

 
Wealthy humans are chasing 'experiences' all over the world. They refuse to rethink their lifestyle. They believe they deserve it, even if it is at the expense of future generations - their kids, their grandkids. Grey nomads and flood or COVID refugees have taken to the road. Australians are buying more fuel guzzling monstrosities than ever before, so they can tow their toys and have 'experiences'.

Nobody in the rich western world wants to give up anything. Try telling all those people climbing out of poverty in India or China or Africa that they should lower their expectations. They won't. Why should they?

 
This problem is too big. Many people think their individual contribution to global boiling is insignificant, so they don't bother. They are also so used to getting what they want and think they need, they just keep on doing what they've been doing.

The UN needs to stop giving the world vacuous updates. It's not helping. It's not doing anything. Calling for governments, who have no real power, to DO more. Do what? DO WHAT???? As soon as they try big business gives them a clip over the ear, and their citizens vote them out.

We could start by turning off the lights in cities and towns at night. It's low hanging fruit yet we haven't even talked about it. How can governments stop their citizens from going on overseas holidays, buying big fuck you 4WDs? How? They can't even provide homes, healthcare or support for victims of domestic violence.

 
I drive 15km to the beach to maintain sanity. Should I stop doing that? I live a very low impact life as it is. Does it matter anyway? For every small thing I do, there are a million selfish or wilfully ignorant bastards out there giving up absolutely fuck all.

I don't know how people with children are coping. My guess is they are so busy meeting their kids' needs on a daily basis they don't get time to think about it most of the time. And when they do, they push it out of their minds or go quietly insane in the wee hours. I want to ask them how they are doing, but it seems like a cruel thing to do, so I don't.

The UN chief was right about one thing. This is just the beginning. Hang onto your hats, your loved ones - and learn to meditate.

 
Cartoon: Jim Pavlidis, The Age.

It's so hard to change

I think most of us accept that we aren't perfect. Unless you are a narcissist you are probably like me in that there are key aspects of yourself you would like to change. If so you might regularly beat yourself up about it like I do. Although I am a high achiever, so maybe my level of self criticism is driven by that.

One of the liberating things that came out of COVID is the public recognition of the prevalence of mental health issues in our society. Before COVID I don't remember commercial TV presenters talking about things like low-level anxiety and listening to TV 'expert' psychs on the couch reassuring the public that it is common to wake around 2 or 3 am and forensically examine your deeds and conversations of the day. I don't know whether I invented the term 'cringe factor' but I use it to refer to my tendency to cringe at some of the things I have said to people, and my ungracious responses to things that have happened during the day. I want to be better. I want to be more gracious, more patient and less angry. But it's so hard to change.

Many years ago I was in a relationship that was quite destructive. My partner at that time had some bad life habits, but I did too. I remember during a huge argument I went to see a friend who was a Jungian psychologist and through tears of frustration I asked him why I kept making bad choices in my life and why, even though I could see that's what I was doing, I couldn't stop doing it! I know why now but at the time I was confused and at a turning point. He said something to this effect: 'Keep noticing, every time, what you are doing. One day - you will just stop'. At the time it didn't help much, but he was absolutely right.

After a while I saw the dynamics of that relationship very clearly and ended it, only to get into a short marriage that ended in divorce. The issues were quite different, however extricating myself from that was equally complicated and devastating for both parties so obviously I still hadn't learnt what I needed to. Fortunately since then and for the past 22 years I have been in a good relationship that has been mutually beneficial.

Resolving one critical aspect of life was a relief however my constant and regular relapses of behaviour in other areas have been and continue to be a source of anxiety. In order to change behaviour, I have to understand it first. There are strategies to manage anxiety and fear. First you have to notice what is going on. Then you have to remember that this is a pattern - you've been here before - so you know from experience that nothing lasts forever. Believe it and accept where you are. The most important thing to do through the whole process, which may take minutes, hours or days as you go around and around in circles - is remember to breathe and let go of self judgement.

If you ever get to a point where you accept bad and good states of mind equally - you have probably evolved into an enlightened being! I'm a long way from that.

The bad news is I am still as imperfect as I ever was. The good news is that as I have aged, I have found ways to better 'manage' my state of mind - sometimes....

Image: Balloon Girl by author.

Jazz-rock in the 70s

I discovered Steely Dan when I was 15. I loved them then and I still do, even though for most of my life I didn't think I liked jazz at all. This is very consumable jazz though. 

I'm posting this so I can come back and listen when I want to. 

I was out of step with my peers then and I still am. It used to bother me, but I've got used to it. 

What's really happening in Australia

 

The 'Good' Fight

I'm really critical of contemporary culture because so much of it is frivolous and shallow. But like everyone else I am full of contradictions and one of them is that I watch some crap on TV. I don't consider The Good Fight to be crap. My friends might disagree. I absolutely love it. What's not to love about sassy strong Democrats who believe in an equitable society - even if they are rich lawyers? 

The current season is set in 2022 and the firm's office overlooks daily protests by Trump supporters and extreme right-wing neo-Nazis. There is chaos in the streets. The sound track is full of fast American talking, gun fire, explosions and police sirens. It's nuts. To a non-American who knows little about the USA it paints a picture of a country in real turmoil. I suspect it is showing us the truth.

And this is a real bonus - the opening sound track. I usually skip the intro to shows but I turn the volume up and close my eyes for this one. It transports me. The visuals are quite spectacular too.

I feel very emotional listening to this but today it made me cry. The beauty of the world often reduces me to tears but today I cried for the loss of it - a cruel but common realisation these days, in the midst of intense enjoyment, that this is what we will lose. All of the amazing things that humans can do, and have done. When the human race finally succumbs to its self-destruction, it will all be gone. 

So much brilliance, so much beauty - gone.

Strange time

Cover image for an exhibition flyer I designed for an artist friend. 

Every time I think about doing a post I'm overwhelmed. So much to say but nothing really useful or positive to offset the cacophony of global misery. The Year of the Tiger continues to thwart - so much so I have written the year off. Every time I tried to make plans they didn't work out. 

Watching the news hasn't helped - so much uncertainty and conflict in the world.  I'm seriously considering imposing a media ban on myself.

My time in the art therapy course I started in second semester lasted a few short weeks. I quit before the census date so I wouldn't incur any costs. If I was 20 years younger and believed I had a future, it might have been different, but having to learn about the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems was very unappealing. Add to that the frustration of having to work online on a presentation project with 20-something year olds who wouldn't respond to any of my emails or messages.... 'nup' I said to myself.... I'm too old for this shit.

Since leaving my job a year ago I have been drifting.  It's not like me to be in this space of not knowing what to do next. I have been up several blind alleys - so I've decided to give up until the new year. The Chinese astrologers say the year of the Rabbit is looking much better for me (the Rat) and in the absence of anything better, I'll take it:

I'm still managing the Facebook group for an environmental organisation but internal politics have caused me a lot of mental stress so I signalled more than 2 months ago they would have to find someone else to do the job. But of course there is nobody to replace me so I am still doing it - for now. Turns out I am really good at it. I got amazing feedback from some veteran campaigners that I had made inroads into the issue where others hadn't been able to for decades, even professionals who had been paid very well. By accident I seem to have acquired the perfect skill set, a result of decades practising as an amateur psychologist, a fascination for what motivates people, graphic design skills, an ability to simplify complex ideas, to write clearly and succinctly enough to communicate them effectively, years working in education and of course a life time studying visual messaging - how to communicate ideas quickly through images and understand how people interpret them. 

Turns out these skills are sought after. If you look for jobs in 'marketing and communications' you'll find heaps. So I had a second attempt at enrolling in the online Certificate IV in Marketing and Communications. I tried earlier this year but missed out - the course is very competitive - but this time I was offered a place within days so I grabbed it. It doesn't start until 2023 but that's fine because it might fit in better with the astrology.

Anyone who knows me might be surprised at this choice of potential career. My mother reminded me that I am not into capitalism and commercialism, however marketing and comms. is also relevant for not-for-profit organisations - the 'product' and motivation might be completely different but the basic principles are the same. If I am interested enough to complete the course it is something I might be able to do into old age. I could work online from anywhere in the world and age doesn't have to be a barrier. Anyway, I'll see if I can cope because I'm sure I will have to deal with a whole lot of commercial marketing bullshit.

Apart from that I have had an intermittent but steady stream of small graphic design jobs - nowhere near enough to replace what I was paid by the prison but still welcome. I have now spent the proceeds from the sale of the best car I have ever owned and my partner is paying most of the bills. I'm very lucky to have that option but I am too young to retire, and too old to do the things I once turned to as a way to make a living. Stuck somewhere between thinking I might still be useful to society, yet also wondering whether there is any point trying - it is a very strange time.