It's so hard to change

I think most of us accept that we aren't perfect. Unless you are a narcissist you are probably like me in that there are key aspects of yourself you would like to change. If so you might regularly beat yourself up about it like I do. Although I am a high achiever, so maybe my level of self criticism is driven by that.

One of the liberating things that came out of COVID is the public recognition of the prevalence of mental health issues in our society. Before COVID I don't remember commercial TV presenters talking about things like low-level anxiety and listening to TV 'expert' psychs on the couch reassuring the public that it is common to wake around 2 or 3 am and forensically examine your deeds and conversations of the day. I don't know whether I invented the term 'cringe factor' but I use it to refer to my tendency to cringe at some of the things I have said to people, and my ungracious responses to things that have happened during the day. I want to be better. I want to be more gracious, more patient and less angry. But it's so hard to change.

Many years ago I was in a relationship that was quite destructive. My partner at that time had some bad life habits, but I did too. I remember during a huge argument I went to see a friend who was a Jungian psychologist and through tears of frustration I asked him why I kept making bad choices in my life and why, even though I could see that's what I was doing, I couldn't stop doing it! I know why now but at the time I was confused and at a turning point. He said something to this effect: 'Keep noticing, every time, what you are doing. One day - you will just stop'. At the time it didn't help much, but he was absolutely right.

After a while I saw the dynamics of that relationship very clearly and ended it, only to get into a short marriage that ended in divorce. The issues were quite different, however extricating myself from that was equally complicated and devastating for both parties so obviously I still hadn't learnt what I needed to. Fortunately since then and for the past 22 years I have been in a good relationship that has been mutually beneficial.

Resolving one critical aspect of life was a relief however my constant and regular relapses of behaviour in other areas have been and continue to be a source of anxiety. In order to change behaviour, I have to understand it first. There are strategies to manage anxiety and fear. First you have to notice what is going on. Then you have to remember that this is a pattern - you've been here before - so you know from experience that nothing lasts forever. Believe it and accept where you are. The most important thing to do through the whole process, which may take minutes, hours or days as you go around and around in circles - is remember to breathe and let go of self judgement.

If you ever get to a point where you accept bad and good states of mind equally - you have probably evolved into an enlightened being! I'm a long way from that.

The bad news is I am still as imperfect as I ever was. The good news is that as I have aged, I have found ways to better 'manage' my state of mind - sometimes....

Image: Balloon Girl by author.

Jazz-rock in the 70s

I discovered Steely Dan when I was 15. I loved them then and I still do, even though for most of my life I didn't think I liked jazz at all. This is very consumable jazz though. 

I'm posting this so I can come back and listen when I want to. 

I was out of step with my peers then and I still am. It used to bother me, but I've got used to it. 

What's really happening in Australia

 

The 'Good' Fight

I'm really critical of contemporary culture because so much of it is frivolous and shallow. But like everyone else I am full of contradictions and one of them is that I watch some crap on TV. I don't consider The Good Fight to be crap. My friends might disagree. I absolutely love it. What's not to love about sassy strong Democrats who believe in an equitable society - even if they are rich lawyers? 

The current season is set in 2022 and the firm's office overlooks daily protests by Trump supporters and extreme right-wing neo-Nazis. There is chaos in the streets. The sound track is full of fast American talking, gun fire, explosions and police sirens. It's nuts. To a non-American who knows little about the USA it paints a picture of a country in real turmoil. I suspect it is showing us the truth.

And this is a real bonus - the opening sound track. I usually skip the intro to shows but I turn the volume up and close my eyes for this one. It transports me. The visuals are quite spectacular too.

I feel very emotional listening to this but today it made me cry. The beauty of the world often reduces me to tears but today I cried for the loss of it - a cruel but common realisation these days, in the midst of intense enjoyment, that this is what we will lose. All of the amazing things that humans can do, and have done. When the human race finally succumbs to its self-destruction, it will all be gone. 

So much brilliance, so much beauty - gone.

Strange time

Cover image for an exhibition flyer I designed for an artist friend. 

Every time I think about doing a post I'm overwhelmed. So much to say but nothing really useful or positive to offset the cacophony of global misery. The Year of the Tiger continues to thwart - so much so I have written the year off. Every time I tried to make plans they didn't work out. 

Watching the news hasn't helped - so much uncertainty and conflict in the world.  I'm seriously considering imposing a media ban on myself.

My time in the art therapy course I started in second semester lasted a few short weeks. I quit before the census date so I wouldn't incur any costs. If I was 20 years younger and believed I had a future, it might have been different, but having to learn about the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems was very unappealing. Add to that the frustration of having to work online on a presentation project with 20-something year olds who wouldn't respond to any of my emails or messages.... 'nup' I said to myself.... I'm too old for this shit.

Since leaving my job a year ago I have been drifting.  It's not like me to be in this space of not knowing what to do next. I have been up several blind alleys - so I've decided to give up until the new year. The Chinese astrologers say the year of the Rabbit is looking much better for me (the Rat) and in the absence of anything better, I'll take it:

I'm still managing the Facebook group for an environmental organisation but internal politics have caused me a lot of mental stress so I signalled more than 2 months ago they would have to find someone else to do the job. But of course there is nobody to replace me so I am still doing it - for now. Turns out I am really good at it. I got amazing feedback from some veteran campaigners that I had made inroads into the issue where others hadn't been able to for decades, even professionals who had been paid very well. By accident I seem to have acquired the perfect skill set, a result of decades practising as an amateur psychologist, a fascination for what motivates people, graphic design skills, an ability to simplify complex ideas, to write clearly and succinctly enough to communicate them effectively, years working in education and of course a life time studying visual messaging - how to communicate ideas quickly through images and understand how people interpret them. 

Turns out these skills are sought after. If you look for jobs in 'marketing and communications' you'll find heaps. So I had a second attempt at enrolling in the online Certificate IV in Marketing and Communications. I tried earlier this year but missed out - the course is very competitive - but this time I was offered a place within days so I grabbed it. It doesn't start until 2023 but that's fine because it might fit in better with the astrology.

Anyone who knows me might be surprised at this choice of potential career. My mother reminded me that I am not into capitalism and commercialism, however marketing and comms. is also relevant for not-for-profit organisations - the 'product' and motivation might be completely different but the basic principles are the same. If I am interested enough to complete the course it is something I might be able to do into old age. I could work online from anywhere in the world and age doesn't have to be a barrier. Anyway, I'll see if I can cope because I'm sure I will have to deal with a whole lot of commercial marketing bullshit.

Apart from that I have had an intermittent but steady stream of small graphic design jobs - nowhere near enough to replace what I was paid by the prison but still welcome. I have now spent the proceeds from the sale of the best car I have ever owned and my partner is paying most of the bills. I'm very lucky to have that option but I am too young to retire, and too old to do the things I once turned to as a way to make a living. Stuck somewhere between thinking I might still be useful to society, yet also wondering whether there is any point trying - it is a very strange time.

One of my favourite trees

This is one of my favourite trees - kaan-ya or Nuytsia floribunda (WA Christmas Tree.) This species is sacred to the local Noongar people:

‘When I die I shall go through the sea to Kurannup where all my moorurtung (relations) will be waiting on the shore for me, waiting with meat and drink for me…Kurannup is the home of my dead people and I must go to them, and my kaan-ya must be free to rest on the kaan-ya tree (Nuytsia floribunda) before it journeys through the sea. Since Nyitting (cold) times (long time ago) all Bibbulmun kaan-ya have rested on this tree on their way to Kurannup; and I have never broken a branch or flower, or sat under the shade of the tree because it is the kaan-ya tree only winnaitch (forbidden, sacred).’ (Noongar informant Joobaitch, see Bates in Bridge 1992: 14).

According to Daisy Bates:

‘No living Bibbulmun ever sheltered or rested beneath the shade of the tree of souls; no flower or bud or leaf of the tree was ever touched by child or adult; no game that took shelter beneath it was ever disturbed.’ (Bates 1938 in Bridge 1992: 153)

Nuytsia floribunda – Photo by Ken Macintyre.

There are conflicting views about the relationship Noongar people had with this tree and whether they made use of it, but from what I have heard, the spirits of the dead rested in its branches before moving on. If this is the case this tree would be considered sacred - and I tend to think Aboriginal people wouldn't have interfered with it.

You can find out more about it from this article: Traditional significance of Nuytsia floribunda

 

Doctor in the house: overcoming family histories

One of our family stories involves my mother who was studying to be a doctor in Holland in the 1950s. The school was expensive and it was decided to withdraw her - apparently she wasn’t applying herself and my grandmother needed help with the other kids (possibly my twin aunties). 

The same story was repeated later when my mother was training to become a nurse in Western Australia and was called home to Mt Barker because her mother was having a ‘change of life’ baby. The pregnancy was difficult and my grandmother was not well. My mother was smart, and has had a good life but I wonder how different her life would have been if her family life had been different.

My own history is full of stories like this, of plans interrupted, many blind alleys – courses and qualifications I started but never finished. I bombed out of my Diploma of Visual Art in the early 1980s and had to settle for a Certificate of Visual Arts instead. There was a rather large monkey on my back when I signed up for a Bachelor of Visual Arts almost 20 years later.

I must have grown up, because even after all of my false starts I was the first in my family to gain a university degree. I went on to do Honours, then a Doctor of Creative Arts (art/philosophy), basically a PhD. It’s not quite the highest level of education you can get, but it will certainly do me. It took me 8 years and it was bloody hard work.

I’m sure other families have similar stories.

PHOTO ∆ From left: my mother, twin aunties, my aunty (1 year older than me), me and my brother (1 year younger).