Tuesday, 13 August 2019

Anxiety? Bollocks.

Have you noticed how many commentators are talking about raised levels of anxiety in the 1st world? I even heard Tim Costello mention it the other day in a rerun of his 'One Plus One' interview. I'm actually a bit over it. Not because I don't see it in abundance all around me but because I think it's always been there. We just talk about it all the time.

You could say we are more anxious now because our species is facing the real existential threat of climate change. I feel there is definitely an undercurrent around that. But that doesn't account for the many who are in blissful denial and continue to consume like there is no tomorrow, which there won't be if we continue to do that of course. No, I'm pretty sure they aren't lying awake at night thinking about how badly we have fucked up this planet. They are more likely to be losing sleep over their mortgage or their reliance on insecure employment. And I think this is the point. It's true that as a species we are at a critical time but it's also possible that 'middle class' expectations about lifestyle and owning stuff have never been higher.

Anxiety is just a more palatable word for fear. And fear is an annoying but ever-present aspect of being human.

My Dutch grandparents, with whom I grew up, lived in occupied Holland for the entirety of WW2. My grandfather was a conscientious objector and hid in the attic for the duration. Food coupons allocated to a woman with 2 children were stretched to include a fully grown man. Add to that the fact that my grandmother contributed to the war effort by sabotaging German military equipment after they took over the factory she worked in. If she had been caught she would have been shot on the spot. I can't imagine a more stressful situation than that. My grandmother was a feisty and strong little woman but I don't think she ever fully recovered - even after moving to Australia in 1956. Although she was fully functional she always seemed a bit anxious.

Many, probably most people in the world, still live with that level of anxiety and worse. The threads that bind their lives together are tenuous. They are at the mercy of factors completely out of their control. Those of us lucky enough to be born or emigrate to the 1st world really need to reflect on that - daily. I'm tired of the aspirational middle-class whining. I want to shout: Take a look around you. Lower your expectations, you greedy fuckers.

It's true that I despair at the way my country is devolving. The so-called 'lucky country' is definitely losing its shine. I see the decay, the corruption and the growing inequity. But it's also true that a life in Australia - any life - is still a far better option than a life in many, many other countries.

Digital drawing by Dr Grafix (author)

Friday, 2 August 2019

Mercury mood

This is Mercury. She is me - or at least the 'resilient child' version of me. Mercury is always vigilant, suspicious, questioning - she constantly challenges the status quo, even her own. Mercury, as her name suggests, is mercurial. She gets to a point in her life when she yells 'fuck this shit' and swerves, changes direction and takes another path.

I'm in a Year 5. The last time I was in that cycle all hell broke loose. It was like I'd taken all the bits of my life and thrown them up in the air just to see where they landed. This is typical Mercury behaviour and it had happened several times before. Mercury doesn't really think about consequences, she just wants change.

That time I left my marriage after 3 months of knowing my current partner and moved in with him and his 2 boys. I had no money, no car and absolutely no idea what I was going to do. Not long after that I started my degree as a mature age student and didn't look back, graduating with a PhD in 2013, got a 'real' job as a lecturer etc etc.

The other day in the surf I realised I was in a Mercury mood. I mentally quit my job. I was in that state of 'I don't care what happens, I just need to get out of here'. I'm also born in the year of the Rat and Rats always need an escape route. Later the 'adult' regained partial control. At this age I don't have as many options or energy as I used to - the world is also a different place. But Mercury doesn't care about that and won't be denied so I decided to 'veer' rather than 'swerve'. I just applied to do a Bachelor of Social Work online through ECU. 

I may not be accepted - it's quite competetive and maybe I am too old. I'm wondering if I have the energy to do another degree and whether I will actually get a job when I finish as an even older woman. In my head at least it makes sense. It's something I can do as an old person and it is a sideways move rather than a complete about face - though it is quite a step away from my chosen profession as artist. We'll see.

Drawing - hand to digital by Dr Grafix (author)