Tired & Rudderless

Had a fun boogie board bash in an onshore breeze yesterday. Water crystal turquoise and weather quite warm. The waves were biggish at times but crumbly and soft, not nasty - I did some 'flying'. That's what I call it when I lie flat on the boogie board, up the front with my arms out behind me instead of holding onto the board, and I turn the board with my body. I also got some more critical ones and stayed right in the top carving left, down, right and left again. Such fun. Feeling exhausted today. I must have got 30+ waves and had to keep making my way back out the channel along the rocks, duck diving the bigger sets that were breaking further out.

I'm still feeling quite directionless in life generally - rudderless. It's probably something to do with my age. Having reached my prime quite a few years ago I am adjusting to my less relevant social status - at least that's how it feels. It is a reality though that 2013 was the pinnacle of my academic career and my surfing prowess peaked a while ago too. Professionally I am unmotivated and feeling jaded. I'm grateful to have my job as it pays well so I don't have to do 30 hours to pay the bills. The 10 hours a week actual teaching can be challenging and exhausting though. The unpaid 1.5 hour travel and 2 hour lunch break added to my 5 hours of paid teaching each day don't help.

My malaise may also have a lot to do with the state of the world in general. My partner and I had a good chat yesterday on our 50km round trip to check another break (which was total shit) before getting in at our local. We talked about what is going on in the world and he confessed to feeling really stressed about it. Like me he is very concerned about what's happening to the planet, the environment, plants and animals. Some of the people he works with are climate deniers. It's frustrating and infuriating that so many are in denial while people like us are bearing the emotional burden of this. They are in denial because it's convenient - if they don't have to face up to reality they don't have to change their behaviour. Sometimes I want to scream at them. I don't know what will change their minds on this - maybe when their million dollar house gets burnt down or swept away in a 'once in a lifetime flood'.

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