This is really a reminder for myself, but also good advice to others. It's too easy to make up stories about why someone has behaved in a certain way towards you - why you think they glared at you or were dismissive. I did an online autism quiz and I'm definitely on the spectrum, albeit at the high functioning end. I am aware I don't always read the signs correctly. I am oversensitive and pick up on the moods of others quickly, but I have learnt to accept that I can't really know what it is about.
When I was younger I would always assume someone's reaction was about something I had or hadn't done. It's been a huge relief to get older and not take responsibility for everyone else's mood.
But it's also not good to ignore someone else's response to you if there actually is something that needs resolving. As a mature adult I have developed a simple strategy. I just ask, without accusation, in a neutral way: 'is there something we need to talk about? Have I done or said something that you have been upset by?' (Note I don't say 'have I done something to upset you?' - there is a difference).
99% of the time the other person will say it has nothing to do with me, that they are just stressed about.......or distracted by........If it is something we can talk about it is usually resolved pretty quickly. Mostly it's a misinterpretation of ideas shared or the way something was received.
I serendipitously came across the above illustration by Hazel Mead. In the current COVID climate it is a timely reminder that we should all practise kindness because we are all vulnerable.
Image: Screenshot from illustrator Hazel Mead's Instagram
https://www.instagram.com/hazel.mead/
We don't have to be on the spectrum to misread signs!
ReplyDeleteI still tend to imagine that anyones behaviour is about me but I've learnt to just get on with life. Most of the time I would stand by my actions anyway so there's no point in revisiting.
I recently shared an office with a young woman who is on the spectrum and high functioning and in many ways she was refreshing to be around.
I like the comic, I might follow Ms Mead
Thanks Kylie. That is reassuring!! I've discovered I'm a bit too 'honest' and that tends to upset people sometimes. I've learnt how to keep things to myself more, but the upside - I'll never lie to you!
DeleteHave you seen "Atypical" on Netflix? It might resonate
DeleteNo I haven't Kylie, but I'll check it out. My partner gets Netflix. Thanks.
Deleteyes, that old saying "walk a mile in her shoes" still holds up. we just never know what someone is dealing with. I like the straightforward way you will check in with someone to see if there's something that needs resolving. That's a good way to do it!
ReplyDeleteA good reminder to be conscious of ourselves and others when we are communicating. There is someone I talk with often who I dearly love and yet manage to push her buttons almost every time. I say to myself, "Hey some people are made of buttons." I try, I really do. I'll try harder. Thank you. I like, "Is there something we need to talk about..."
ReplyDeleteRobin some people are just really touchy and it's usually because they have stuff going on. In which case it's almost impossible not to upset them. With folk like that I find it's best to let them be grumpy or upset and don't react if you are sure it isn't about you. It's hard to love people who are being shitty but they are the ones that often need it the most. That doesn't mean it's your fault though. I try to practise neutrality - being quite a reactive person I find that difficult but I'm getting better at it.
DeleteI'm actually the one pictured on the right. Yet, interestingly enough, I am fairly content and taking everything in stride. I think of all the poor people who have been killed by Covid-19 - how families have been impacted. The state of all countries. How our lives are forever changed. When I read about an infant who has died due to this virus, how can I possibly (at the age of 80) feel sorry for myself or whine? Impossible!!! It really is work to get to the point at which one doesn't feel you're the one at fault when someone is upset in your presence. I also am still working at it.
ReplyDeleteHi Regina. I'll probably still be working on it at 80 too!! And yes, infants dying puts it into perspective.
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