The Game

                                 'Draw a stop sign and place something/someone in front of it'.

This is the last couple of art therapy techniques for now. Turns out I don't even need to submit these drawings to pass the unit. There is a test and some case studies to comment on which I have pretty much completed. The guiding questions for this exercise are:

• What did you place in front of the stop sign? 
• How does it relate to your life? 
• Does the item hurt you or help you?
• How long has it been there? 
• What are you doing to keep it there or take it away?

Once again the symbolism is opaque/obscure and I don't actually know what this one means either. But as I write I'm thinking - maybe it does make some sense in the context of my life at the moment.

I'm taking a risk here because I work for the government and I'm not supposed to say anything about my job. But what I'm about to say doesn't threaten prison security one little bit so maybe I don't give a flying fuck. This year has been terrible for many, possibly most, people and we are all emotionally exhausted. COVID hasn't directly affected our small part of the world but it has affected us indirectly in the west of Australia because of the economic fallout and the logistics of managing the virus, to varying degrees. 

For example earlier in the year my class size was cut in half to maintain COVID distancing - even though we had no cases in the prison system. There was also an unrelated OHS issue that forced me to teach in a room unfit for purpose. As a result my 'completion rates' are down and things like that affect our funding.  I work my arse off in that job. I work 2 x 7 hour days and get paid for 10 hours but I tolerate that because I love my work and the actual hourly rate is good. However, I'm supposed to get a certain number of students through per X amount of dollars I get paid, which means that through no fault of mine, my completion rates have been down. It's absolute bullshit - the REAL outcomes I achieve in my job aren't taken into account because they can't be measured. This is where we get into 'qualitative vs quantitative' territory and because the 'game' is set up in favour of the latter, quantity wins over quality EVERY damn time. The bean counters run the entire world and THAT'S turned out really well hasn't it?

I found out this week that in 2021 my teaching hours may be cut from 10 to 7.5 a week. I can barely pay my bills on 10 hours so losing 2.5 hours will make a difference. The reduction in my hours isn't a direct result of my lower completions this year but the decision to cut our budget is the result of a mean-spirited neo-liberal federal government whose favourite mantra is: 'if you HAVE a go, you'll GET a go'. WTF? Yeh, on a level playing field maybe.....

I'm gutted - and not just because of the money. I'm gutted because it will be the fifth government teaching job in which I have lost hours or entire contracts because of budget cuts. I feel obsolete - that I am once again being taken out of the game through no fault of my own. It's easy for others to say it is no reflection on my worth - they may be right but it certainly doesn't feel like that. 

Coming back from a surf today it occurred to me that at some point in my life, I joined 'the game'. As a younger artist I didn't care about it because I knew from the start that the game was bullshit. So now, when I'm being forced out of the game, I'm wondering why I even care - given that I never used to. I know more than ever that the game is bullshit - but I've lost faith. I used to believe that if I lost one job, something better would turn up - and it often did. But as an older person, an older woman too - in a culture in which women in my age bracket are the most insecure and at risk financially - I'm finding it impossible to stick to my mantra.

I will leave you with the last of my art therapy images. This one is 'Draw a seed and something growing out of it e.g. a fruit tree, idea or something you want for the future' and here are the guiding questions, which I have no clear answers for at the moment either:

• Tell me what is growing out of the seed?
• How long will it take to grow?
• What can you do to help it grow well?
• Is it something worth waiting for?

Images: Author. Hand drawn. Artline pen, texta and coloured pencil.

A Bit of Slide

I've been meaning to post this one for a while. It's on the 'Commute' play list I have compiled for my 50 minute drive to work. Enjoy the slide guitar - I love it.

Art Therapy Images

'Draw someone, something or a place that makes you feel safe'

My art therapy course finishes in a couple of weeks so I've ramped up trialling the techniques. I am enjoying making art purely for the fun of it, something that gets a bit lost in a long career. As I mentioned before, not having to worry about outcomes is liberating.

I'll spare you the indepth analyses, mainly because I haven't done them yet.

'Peering through the window'

This was a bit of a surprise. I worked intuitively and I don't know yet what it actually means.

'Draw something with your non-dominant hand'

This one is a view of my room looking out to the bush and it's my favourite. It took me ages because I faithfully coloured it all in with my left hand as well.

I also received my '250 Art Therapy Techniques' book in the mail and haven't had time to look at that either! I don't 'do' Christmas but things always get crazy busy this time of the year.

'Level of Concern'

 

Ok this is a bit random but I like to think I'm still open minded (occasionally). I was researching answers for my online Art Therapy course test. I've missed quite a few tutorials and therefore critical information. One question includes the phrase 'level of concern' which I haven't come across in an official capacity before. I thought I knew what it meant but I know it's important to understand the context, so I Googled it.

Annoyingly at first the screen was hijacked by a musical group I'd never heard of, even though I specifically entered 'level of concern: define'. After a couple of attempts I gave up and decided to listen to the song. I was pleasantly surprised. It's a bit electronic which I don't always love, but it's catchy and topical because it was written and performed during a COVID lockdown somewhere (I don't know where these guys live). I know musicians have been forced to be creative about how they record songs and this technique has been common this year.

The group is called '21 Pilots' and here are the poignant COVID relevant lyrics:

Panic on the brain, world has gone insane
Things are starting to get heavy, mm
I can't help but think I haven't felt this way
Since I asked you to go steady

Wonderin', would you be, my little quarantine?
Or is this the way it ends?

'Cause I told you my level of concern
But you walked by like you never heard
And you could bring down my level of concern
Just need you to tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay

Panic on the brain, Michael's gone insane
Julie starts to make me nervous
I don't really care what they would say
I'm asking you to stay
My bunker underneath the surface

Wonderin', would you be, my little quarantine?
Or is this the way it ends?

'Cause I told you my level of concern
But you walked by like you never heard
And you could bring down my level of concern
Just need you to tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay, yeah

Tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay, yeah
Tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay

Bring down my level of concern
Just need you to tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay, yeah

'Cause I told you my level of concern
But you walked by like you never heard
You could bring down my level of concern
Just need you to tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay

I need you to tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay
Need you to tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay
I need you to tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay
Need you to tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay
Need you now
I need you now

'Cause I told you my level of concern
But you walked by like you never heard
And you could bring down my level of concern
Just need you to tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay, yeah

Tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay, yeah
Tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay

You could bring down my level of concern
Just need you to tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay, yeah
In a world, where you could just lie to me
And I'd be okay, we'll be okay
(My level of concern) we're gonna be okay
(Just need you to tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay)
(I need you)

'The Figure Within' 2

This is a development of 'The Figure Within' art therapy technique I am working with for the art therapy course I am doing. There is a direct relationship between this image and the other 2 posts here and here. I may do a post on the whole process, from drawing 1 to 3 but for now, this is my analysis of this one (though it won't fully make sense without the other analyses):

'This drawing tells me that I am ’breathing in the Unconscious’ (because the sea is my symbol for it). I have long periods when I am cut off from my inner world – the practicalities of life get in the way. I know this is happening when I don’t remember my dreams. I haven’t been remembering them for quite a while but started to again when I began the art therapy course.

As well as reconnecting me with the Unconscious the drawing is an affirmation to listen to my own advice – as if doing the drawing will encourage me to commit to doing the meditation. I deliberately went back to complete the drawing of myself over the magazine printout because I have found that the act of ‘doing’ is important in the process.

I like how the paper cutout has wrinkled under the Posca pen and that you can see the edges of the magazine cutout underneath. I also like how the sea is visible through the mouth because it is physically impossible and this dissonance forces the mind into uncomfortable but more creative territory'.

Suffice to say I know what all of this means and it is helpful which confirms that art is a powerfully insightful tool if you know how to use it. If anyone reading this is interested in trying some of the techniques let me know. They are very gentle and don't require artistic talent or know-how. In fact it's possibly easier if you aren't an artist - because you can be authentic without having to grapple with that part of the artistic psyche that expects things to look good! 

Image: Author. Posca pen and ballpoint over magazine printout.

Important Trivia

Things seem to be moving along now - maybe slowly - but still faster than the glacial pace of most of this year. I think 2021 will bring a fair amount of change to our lives. The signs are already there. Some good, some not so good.

The pic above is from my Instagram account. I posted it because I sold some more of my 'take the piss' parody 'tourist' cards. The one that sells the most is the one you can see top left (and top right) - a male and a female superhero in the main street of our small town. As if. I don't like tourism but I figure if I have to put up with the damn tourists I may as well make some money out of them (I need a laughing emoji here). I don't actually make much money - but I enjoy being subversive and I love the digital illustration part. Maybe I should get this one on a t-shirt. By the way, this has nothing to do with the change I referred to - at least I don't think so. But this next pic does.

This is the logo I designed for my partner's piano teaching business - Play Piano Now. There are various permutations - this one is for a t-shirt. Robin is still lecturing at TAFE but has started thinking about when he might reduce his 2 days to 1, or chuck it in altogether. It didn't take him long to get 9 students so if he wanted to teach full time I think he could. He is a classically trained guitarist but retrained in the 'Simply Music' method which doesn't teach music reading until later. Robin is really enjoying teaching music again - especially the kids.

The next area of change could be my job. The education department at the prison where I work has had a 20% budget cut and several lecturers have lost hours. Cuts are based to an extent on student numbers and because art is so popular, I have managed to retain most of my hours. I'll be working 2 or 1.5 days next year. Either way it's demoralising watching my colleagues lose work and the education centre, that was buzzing along in 2019, succumb to yet more bullshit economic rationalism. And this from a supposed left-wing state government too. The left has no real power in this country. Politics is ruled by centrists or the right-wing, mostly the latter. It's hideous. If we get another 4 years of 'Scot-of-the-Right' I don't know what I'll do. 

In the meantime life goes on and our little dog Hermyne (I know that's not how you spell it, but it's how we spell it) gets older and more frail. 

This is her grace in her night attire - though the nappy is precautionary because she has never actually used it. She turns 17 next April - if she makes it that far. We love her to bits and hope she goes in her sleep so we don't have to make that awful decision. I don't think she'll make it through 2021 so that may be another area of change.

Next year I'll continue studying for the Cert. IV in Mental Health to make myself more employable. It's stuff I'm pretty familar and comfortable with - having worked with mentally unwell people in the past, lectured at TAFE where mental health issues are always present, worked with community groups and delivered art workshops. Of course I've also worked in my current job in the prison for 4.5 years and very recent stats. indicate that 59% of inmates have mental health issues. Artists are supposed to be mad so it's familar territory - though from my position as a social 'outsider', I actually think I am pretty sane. It's the way the world operates that is nuts - the systems we live with and have to function within. Pure insanity.

I am still doing the 'Art Therapy Skillset' online course and loving it. Here's another 'Draw yourself in a body of water' drawing. This was from a dream I had after I drew the first one (you'll find it here in a previous post). The 'voice' said: 'Dive deep and breathe'. I thought that was pretty useful advice, though I'm not sure what it means - yet......

This is how art works - I'm used to it. I've been working like this for years and forgotten how much I enjoy it, having had a long break after finishing my thesis in 2013. I'll be interested to see where this course goes - it's only short but it has reminded me that I used to be in 'therapy' constantly! I think that's why I had such a long break - after decades of it I was emotionally exhausted.

I'm curious about what the Year of the Ox will mean to me, to my country, to the world. Of course dates are arbitrary but like most people, I really want to draw a line under 2020. I don't think I've ever been so exhausted coping with everything that has happened this year. But it 'ain't over yet.....

'Bye Bye Donny'

Following in the tradition of The New Dharma Bums, here's an Aussie Friday music contribution in honour of the worst president in the history of the United States.

'The Figure Within'

I'm doing an 8 week art therapy skillset course online. My partner found it in a random online search and I am very grateful because it is filling in some gaps for me. As with all therapy education (I believe this is so in psychology too), you need to be 'in therapy' yourself - which means I have to experience the exercises I'm learning about. 

This one is called 'The Figure Within'. You have to: 'draw yourself in any body of water'  (it can be a bath or a stream) and answer some associated questions. This is supposed to reveal how you are feeling. I'm a bit surprised this came out because if you'd asked me yesterday when I did it, as we watched the US election results unfold, I would have said I was a bit anxious about life in general. But I know there is a calm core of me somewhere in there and maybe that's what this tapped into.

I've been facilitating art 'therapy' for decades - I've just never had any formal education. I've worked with all sorts of people - from the mentally ill to youth, community groups and Aboriginal people. It's pretty simple yet also very complicated - but I know one thing for sure. Art heals the soul. I don't do art therapy in any obvious way, but over many years of using it myself (inadvertently at first), I have become reasonably adept at reading images and reading people. I love it. 

Image: Author. Pen and watercolour.

Bad Loser

Image: Author. Digital collage with digital illustration.

 

Reminder to Self

Meme: Author. Adapted from Tara Bach's meme.

 

Too Little, Too Much

For most of 2020 I have felt stuck and stagnant - like things are about to change in my life in some biggish ways but not quite yet, and that I have a whole of shit to wade through before I am released into the light. My game plan has been to focus on getting through the year with my sanity intact which has meant putting one foot in front of the other, taking a deep breath often and saying to myself: just deal with what's in front of you right now.

It's November and I've made it this far but I'm so, so tired. I've posted this image before but I'm sharing it again because I've been too tired to do any new artwork and well, it's perfect anyway.

2020 has proven to be what I thought it would be. And it started with a bang - when COVID hit at exactly the same time the Chinese new year began and we moved into the Year of the Rat. I've mentioned before that I'm a Rat, this year starting an entirely new 12 year x 5 cycle back to the beginning year of my birth. This is BIG. I knew we were all in for a tumultuous time. The Rat is the first in the Chinese astrological cycle so 2020 signals a new start on a world scale too. I'm mercurial at the best of times and the Rat in Chinese mythology means drastic change, especially as this is a Metal year - think cutting, slashing and the fact that the only thing that usually alters metal is intense heat or force. 

Change is painful and we've had a lot of pain this year, but don't assume it will be over at midnight 2020. The Chinese calendar is based on lunar rather than solar cycles so it doesn't change until 12 February 2021. There's a way to go yet but I am expecting a different year and according to astrologers, one of hard work, discipline, loyalty and consolidation as we slide into the Year of the Metal Ox (the good news might be that it is in its Yin form). The Ox stands for patriarchy, righteousness and tradition - which is probably why I tend to have combative relationships with male Oxen. Any consolidation of the patriarchy makes me very nervous but I am hoping this institution is in its death throes and 2021 will be its last ditch effort to control things before they engineer their own demise. I think we may all need the slow plodding determination of the Ox to get us through 2021 but at least things should calm down a bit (she writes hopefully).

As for me - I tend to trust fate when it comes to my own. I've learnt that trying to make changes when the universe isn't on the same page simply ends in tears and frustration. This year, as I put one foot in front of the other, I've been watching for signs. Lately they have been coming thick and fast. Nothing major - just confirmation that paths I have stepped tentatively upon this year might just be the right ones. There have been serendipitous meetings and findings and when I am able to process these, I will expand further. 

Suffice to say for now I think life will take a very different turn next year. When I'm feeling confident that's exciting, when I'm not it's terrifying. The secret is to respond to both terror and excitement with equanimity, which is a lot easier said than done.

Image: Author. Original concept, hand drawn and digitally coloured.

Year of the Metal Ox in 2021