For most of 2020 I have felt stuck and stagnant - like things are about to change in my life in some biggish ways but not quite yet, and that I have a whole of shit to wade through before I am released into the light. My game plan has been to focus on getting through the year with my sanity intact which has meant putting one foot in front of the other, taking a deep breath often and saying to myself: just deal with what's in front of you right now.
It's November and I've made it this far but I'm so, so tired. I've posted this image before but I'm sharing it again because I've been too tired to do any new artwork and well, it's perfect anyway.
2020 has proven to be what I thought it would be. And it started with a bang - when COVID hit at exactly the same time the Chinese new year began and we moved into the Year of the Rat. I've mentioned before that I'm a Rat, this year starting an entirely new 12 year x 5 cycle back to the beginning year of my birth. This is BIG. I knew we were all in for a tumultuous time. The Rat is the first in the Chinese astrological cycle so 2020 signals a new start on a world scale too. I'm mercurial at the best of times and the Rat in Chinese mythology means drastic change, especially as this is a Metal year - think cutting, slashing and the fact that the only thing that usually alters metal is intense heat or force.
Change is painful and we've had a lot of pain this year, but don't assume it will be over at midnight 2020. The Chinese calendar is based on lunar rather than solar cycles so it doesn't change until 12 February 2021. There's a way to go yet but I am expecting a different year and according to astrologers, one of hard work, discipline, loyalty and consolidation as we slide into the Year of the Metal Ox (the good news might be that it is in its Yin form). The Ox stands for patriarchy, righteousness and tradition - which is probably why I tend to have combative relationships with male Oxen. Any consolidation of the patriarchy makes me very nervous but I am hoping this institution is in its death throes and 2021 will be its last ditch effort to control things before they engineer their own demise. I think we may all need the slow plodding determination of the Ox to get us through 2021 but at least things should calm down a bit (she writes hopefully).
As for me - I tend to trust fate when it comes to my own. I've learnt that trying to make changes when the universe isn't on the same page simply ends in tears and frustration. This year, as I put one foot in front of the other, I've been watching for signs. Lately they have been coming thick and fast. Nothing major - just confirmation that paths I have stepped tentatively upon this year might just be the right ones. There have been serendipitous meetings and findings and when I am able to process these, I will expand further.
Suffice to say for now I think life will take a very different turn next year. When I'm feeling confident that's exciting, when I'm not it's terrifying. The secret is to respond to both terror and excitement with equanimity, which is a lot easier said than done.
Image: Author. Original concept, hand drawn and digitally coloured.
I don't know if you meant it this way, but I take comfort in your words and am reminded to get back to being where I am. I can't control a damn thing.....sometimes not even myself......so I ought to stop trying but pushing my anxiety and fear outward.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you got some comfort from my post Linda. I think a lot of my anxiety comes from trying to control things I can't. My partner lives by the idea of 'sphere of influence' - only engage with stuff you have some influence over. The rest is just disempowering - it's going to make you ill or drive you mad. It's not about resignation either. We shouldn't give up on everything because where we are able to have some influence for positive change, I think it is irresponsible not to use it.
DeleteIt's been a nightmare of a year, and it's true, I can't control any of it. I've been feeling quite sad lately, but as Linda wrote, I take comfort in your words. Maybe 2021 will be a good new year, the beginning of something better than what we have now.
ReplyDeleteI 'hear' where you are coming from Robin. I look at what's going on in the world and so much of it is plain wrong. But it is just the way things are on planet earth. Change will have to come. It is always slow and very frustrating for those of us who saw where things were going and where they should be going years ago. I don't think 2021 will be an easy year but I'm hoping that at least there will be the signs of change. Whoever wins the US presidency there will be a huge response but there is still good in humanity and it ocmes through in tmes of need. My old guru used to say: 'there's only love and fear'. It's hard to choose love but it feels better when we do.
Delete"I've learnt that trying to make changes when the universe isn't on the same page simply ends in tears and frustration."
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine says if you are pushing too hard, it's not meant to be. I think it's a useful philosophy
Kylie I forget every so often and try and push through until I remember again. It requires humility and surrender to leave things to fate or the universe and our culture is very lacking in those 2 qualities. I think that's what makes it so hard - because you often get people telling you to focus more and double down. But that's such an egotistic way to live really, as if we have control of everything.
Delete