It's for you - Pat Metheny

As a kid I hated jazz. It seemed so random and disorganised. As a much older person I discovered that the music I loved and listened to at the age of 15, was actually jazz! I'll share some of the music of Steely Dan later.

'Drifting' as I am (see previous post) means I get bored, and when I get bored I turn to the things I do when I have some space in my head - like making art (in this case a digital triptych). When I'm drawing on the computer I usually listen to ABC Country or Jazz. 

Today it was jazz and I heard this piece by Pat Metheny.

Drifting on a burning planet

The year of the Tiger is always a challenge for me and this one is proving to be no exception. Twelve years ago in the last Tiger year my father died unexpectedly. He had advanced Parkinson's disease so it was a blessing really. I suspect he starved himself to death after breaking a hip in the nursing home he lived in. He was like that - obsessive. My brother blamed the nurses for not feeding him, but my intuition told me otherwise. I never doubted he could do it. 

This is the last photo I have of my father, taken in 2008. I am ashamed to say I didn't visit him after this until I saw him in a coffin at his funeral in September 2010. He was 77. We had a difficult relationship but that's no excuse. Days, then weeks, months and years passed and I didn't notice. It was hard to visit him 400km away in the city. I hate the city and I never go there. I'm traumatised by the traffic, the people, the smell of toxic car fumes, the noise.....but it's still no excuse. I live with regret that I didn't take more care of my relationship with him towards the end of his life.

2011, the year of the Rabbit/Cat, was even worse than 2010. I'm hoping 2023 will break the trend.  2011 was the year I fell into a deep black hole - an undiagnosed bout of depression that took me most of the year to climb out of. I think it was triggered by my father's death the previous year - there were so many unresolved issues. The problem with people dying is that you lose the opportunity to sort things out with them, although to be fair I had tried. My father couldn't face his own issues so making him accountable for his behaviour was bound to fail. I have forgiven him though. He had some serious demons - I think as a result of the way he was treated as a child. I can't be sure but I think his mother had her own demons, acquired in her childhood at the hands of a controlling abusive older brother who resented having to care for his younger siblings after his parents died. This shit just gets handed down the line. I've experienced and seen a lot of intergenerational trauma. My response was not to have children. Apart from the fact that I would have made a terrible parent - I just know I would have handed the genes and the trauma onto the next generation. People used to tell me I was selfish for not having kids. They had no idea.

So why am I going over old ground and taking stock? After being without paid employment for 12 months since giving up my prison teaching job I'm still trying to figure out what's next. Part of that process requires me to understand my own evolution and the cycles in my life. I feel as though I am drifting aimlessly. Some would say that's OK but I feel I still have something to give to the world. I'm just not sure what it is. I have been unable to resolve or tolerate the toxic ego-personality issues in the environmental organisation I was donating my time and skills to so I have withdrawn most of my efforts. I'm feeling good about that but it has left me feeling disillusioned and bored. I wasn't able to enrol in any of the Marketing and Communications courses I wanted to do, and I can't try again until next year. Part of me thinks that might be a good thing - maybe I'm not meant to be doing that.

I have to ask myself whether my personal struggles are inextricably linked with the state of the world. How can anyone make long term plans? The planet is in free-fall and global weather extremes are kicking in far sooner than was predicted. This is a really serious situation and I just can't understand why so many people seem to be ignoring it. Well I can - it's denial. The truth is just too hard to face. 

In a Guardian article recently emeritus professor of geophysical and climate hazards at Univers, Bill McGuire, said this:

'....there is now no chance of us avoiding a perilous, all-pervasive climate breakdown. We have passed the point of no return.....'

I know a lot of people working in climate science who say one thing in public but a very different thing in private. In confidence, they are all much more scared about the future we face, but they won’t admit that in public. I call this climate appeasement and I believe it only makes things worse. The world needs to know how bad things are going to get before we can hope to start to tackle the crisis.”'

The article went on to say that to limit the rise in global temperature to 1.5C,  we need to reduce carbon emissions 45% by 2030.

“Instead, we are on course for close to a 14% rise in emissions by that date – which will almost certainly see us shatter the 1.5C guardrail in less than a decade.”

I just can't understand why people want to bring children onto a dying planet to face a living hell. The argument about biological imperatives and the drive to replicate your genes just doesn't stack up any more. Surely the survival instinct, which is blamed for our desire to procreate, is telling us it's time to stop being selfish, and stop having kids. 

Image 1: Photoshopped by author.

Image 2: John, my father.

Article reference: ‘Soon it will be unrecognisable’: total climate meltdown cannot be stopped, says expert, Robin McKie, 31 July 2022, The Guardian.

Stars, gall stones and study

First up, a bit of self promotion. This is one of 5 digital drawings I created at the end of last year for choreographer Annette Carmichael’s current project ‘The Stars Descend’. It 'unfolds over five locations'. ​'Each chapter takes place in a regional location that is situated along the Gondwana Link, a natural corridor of land that runs from Margaret River to Kalgoorlie'. 

This was an exciting collaboration and for me, a new way of working syncretically with Annette and the dancers as they explored the narrative through choreography. Expressing the essence of something as a symbolic narrative is right up my alley and apparently the first nations people involved in the project absolutely 'got' it. I'm glad because that's what I always aim for - a universal language of images. I had to stay in a kind of 'creative chaotic state' most of the time.  I've never worked with a choreographer and it was brilliant, but I think that had a lot to do with our way of seeing the world rather than our respective art forms. 

Below is another of the 5 images. Head over to Annette's website to see the other 3 designs and learn more about the project. 

Following on from my previous post: I decided that another degree was too onerous at this stage, so I've applied to enrol in the Certificate IV in Marketing and Communications. It is a 6 month online TAFE course and if I love it I can think about doing the Diploma. It is a lot cheaper than the degree and I can pay as I go through the 12 units. If I really love it, and the world hasn't fallen apart by then, I can think about doing the Diploma, or the degree again. Now I'm restless because I want to get started and I am being forced to wait for people to get back to me. Life has been a lot like that lately - things seem to be on hold a lot of the time.

The 'lump' thing wasn't what I thought it was. I wasn't listening properly on my previous visit to the doctor because apparently they aren't worried about the lumps (there are a couple) because they are just fatty tissue. What they did want me to follow up on was another ultrasound for the gall stones they found. I can't really see the point of that. If/when they cause me distress I will go and see them about it. Until then, with no pain and no real symptoms apart from the occasional acid reflux - I'm OK. I have a really good diet, I'm very active about probiotics and I don't drink alcohol, or eat processed foods or much meat. 

These days it feels best to focus on my own small world, and say little about the rest of it. 

WARNING: Grumpy post (with some good stuff)

 

My article The Beauty of Terror, was published on the 23 June in Psychological Perspectives, Volume 64 Issue 4, by Taylor & Francis for the CG Jung Institute of Los Angeles.

Finally!! 6 months late.

The journal is usually published quarterly so it should have been available last year. Sadly one of the main copy-editors passed away in 2020 and the publisher had to find a replacement. Apparently COVID caused huge disruptions - they had problems sourcing paper and their decision to outsource some of their processes to India proved problematic.  I’ve never been a fan of the global economy.

But it’s done and I still haven’t downloaded a copy. I know I should be more engaged – more curious – but there’s been other stuff to contend with so it has slipped off the radar.

Chronic sinus issues with accompanying headaches continue to plague me. I’m fed up asking doctors to help when they don’t listen to my reasons for seeing them. When you reach a certain age, they start doing all sorts of tests – like on my heart which is always fine. Then they tell me yet again I have an underactive thyroid but that it’s within ‘normal’ range and that I should lose weight. I’ve sacked that doctor but I’m running out of options. Doctor shopping is tricky in a small town.

To add insult to injury I have to pay for the indignity. The health system in Australia is broken and the government rebate hasn’t kept up, so doctors charge extra and you pay the difference unless you have private health cover – and who can afford that? 

The other annoying thing is the medical profession are brilliant at finding lumps – mostly benign – that you would probably happily live with until you popped your clogs. Once found these lumps can never be unfound. You have stepped onto a medical ghost train from which you may never get off alive. I know the medical profession have a duty of care and that they do excellent work. But maybe one of the reasons the health system is broken is because it is clogged up with people who don’t need some of the ‘care’ they seem to be forcing on them. Anyway, next week I have to spend good money to see a doctor who will refer me for a follow-up scan which I will probably also have to pay for. Australia is fast becoming like the US – where a lot of people just afford health care. 

Apart from all of that – I’ve been busy doing my environmental work, mostly for free. Unfortunately I have been harshly reminded of the reason I never volunteer for committees. The politics in one organisation has become so toxic I have backed right off, and I’ve resigned from the other because they have the same convener and buddy system. One of my mates diagnosed ‘Founder’s Syndrome’* which in a nutshell is: ‘where one or more founders maintain disproportionate power and influence following the effective initial establishment of the organization’. I think she was spot on. She also said there was a movement called ‘Kill the Founder’** and I completely relate (metaphorically of course). The frustrating thing is that the conflict is underpinned by gender inequity – old white blokes running the joint, failing to acknowledge the skills, knowledge and contribution of others, being divisive and basking in the glory of other peoples’ efforts and ideas. Of course you can’t say this out loud because the issue is only just starting to be recognised in our social structures and you sound like a hysterical feminist if you try to hold people to account.

I said there was some good stuff and here it is – maybe. Having worked in education for 16 years, then done a hell of a lot of graphic design and what amounts to ‘content creation’ for the website and Facebook group I manage for one of the NGOs, I have stumbled across a potential job. When I first left high school I wanted to go into journalism but I’d never read a newspaper article so when I was asked to write an editorial piece about water in Western Australia, I wrote a well researched school project! I had no idea. I think there was a water shortage at the time so it must have been a hot topic. Of course I failed the first test and didn’t even get an interview. But I’ve always loved writing and research which is probably why I was able to write a 40,000 word thesis. Lately I have realised these are very useful interests if you want to be a content creator, which is basically what I have been doing for digital media for more than a year.

I tried to find an online Certificate IV in Communications TAFE course but it costs several thousand dollars and there is no government assistance. Ironically, if I am approved, I can sign up for a $38,000 degree subsidised by the government. At my age the prospect of undertaking another degree is daunting but the more I think about it, the more attractive it  is looking. Given the state of the world it seems like a ludicrous idea, but if you take that line of thinking – and the end of the world is imminent – does it really matter? You may as well be doing something you like. If I get through 3 years of study and the world is still functioning, I might even be able to earn an income again - this time as a content creator***. It is a field that doesn’t discriminate. When you work online you can be any age and anywhere in the world. Apparently there is fierce competition for freelance writers and the industry is growing at an unprecedented speed. Demand is high and forecast to increase – that’s if AI doesn’t make us all redundant first.

I'm being uncharacteristically cautious about enrolling though. When I face upheaval or change in my life my default position is to take on more study. I was initially going to enrol for the July intake, but have decided to think about it a bit longer.

In the meantime I feel rudderless. The environmental work has kept me very busy since resigning from my teaching job about this time last year. Now that the honeymoon is over I'm not sure what to do next. Several of my friends are feeling the same so maybe it is just a symptom of the times we live in. 

*’Founder's syndrome (also founderitis) is the difficulty faced by organizations, and in particular young companies such as start-ups, where one or more founders maintain disproportionate power and influence following the effective initial establishment of the organization, leading to a wide range of problems. [Wikipedia]

** I couldn’t find any references for this.

Photo credit: The Age, Exterior of the ghost train at Luna Park, St Kilda. 

‘The man doing a PhD on ghost trains’, https://www.theage.com.au/national/victoria/the-man-doing-a-phd-on-ghost-trains-20160829-gr3ulx.html

*** A content creator is someone who creates entertaining or educational material for media – mostly digital these days. I won’t be trying to make videos, but I like writing.