Drifting on a burning planet

The year of the Tiger is always a challenge for me and this one is proving to be no exception. Twelve years ago in the last Tiger year my father died unexpectedly. He had advanced Parkinson's disease so it was a blessing really. I suspect he starved himself to death after breaking a hip in the nursing home he lived in. He was like that - obsessive. My brother blamed the nurses for not feeding him, but my intuition told me otherwise. I never doubted he could do it. 

This is the last photo I have of my father, taken in 2008. I am ashamed to say I didn't visit him after this until I saw him in a coffin at his funeral in September 2010. He was 77. We had a difficult relationship but that's no excuse. Days, then weeks, months and years passed and I didn't notice. It was hard to visit him 400km away in the city. I hate the city and I never go there. I'm traumatised by the traffic, the people, the smell of toxic car fumes, the noise.....but it's still no excuse. I live with regret that I didn't take more care of my relationship with him towards the end of his life.

2011, the year of the Rabbit/Cat, was even worse than 2010. I'm hoping 2023 will break the trend.  2011 was the year I fell into a deep black hole - an undiagnosed bout of depression that took me most of the year to climb out of. I think it was triggered by my father's death the previous year - there were so many unresolved issues. The problem with people dying is that you lose the opportunity to sort things out with them, although to be fair I had tried. My father couldn't face his own issues so making him accountable for his behaviour was bound to fail. I have forgiven him though. He had some serious demons - I think as a result of the way he was treated as a child. I can't be sure but I think his mother had her own demons, acquired in her childhood at the hands of a controlling abusive older brother who resented having to care for his younger siblings after his parents died. This shit just gets handed down the line. I've experienced and seen a lot of intergenerational trauma. My response was not to have children. Apart from the fact that I would have made a terrible parent - I just know I would have handed the genes and the trauma onto the next generation. People used to tell me I was selfish for not having kids. They had no idea.

So why am I going over old ground and taking stock? After being without paid employment for 12 months since giving up my prison teaching job I'm still trying to figure out what's next. Part of that process requires me to understand my own evolution and the cycles in my life. I feel as though I am drifting aimlessly. Some would say that's OK but I feel I still have something to give to the world. I'm just not sure what it is. I have been unable to resolve or tolerate the toxic ego-personality issues in the environmental organisation I was donating my time and skills to so I have withdrawn most of my efforts. I'm feeling good about that but it has left me feeling disillusioned and bored. I wasn't able to enrol in any of the Marketing and Communications courses I wanted to do, and I can't try again until next year. Part of me thinks that might be a good thing - maybe I'm not meant to be doing that.

I have to ask myself whether my personal struggles are inextricably linked with the state of the world. How can anyone make long term plans? The planet is in free-fall and global weather extremes are kicking in far sooner than was predicted. This is a really serious situation and I just can't understand why so many people seem to be ignoring it. Well I can - it's denial. The truth is just too hard to face. 

In a Guardian article recently emeritus professor of geophysical and climate hazards at Univers, Bill McGuire, said this:

'....there is now no chance of us avoiding a perilous, all-pervasive climate breakdown. We have passed the point of no return.....'

I know a lot of people working in climate science who say one thing in public but a very different thing in private. In confidence, they are all much more scared about the future we face, but they won’t admit that in public. I call this climate appeasement and I believe it only makes things worse. The world needs to know how bad things are going to get before we can hope to start to tackle the crisis.”'

The article went on to say that to limit the rise in global temperature to 1.5C,  we need to reduce carbon emissions 45% by 2030.

“Instead, we are on course for close to a 14% rise in emissions by that date – which will almost certainly see us shatter the 1.5C guardrail in less than a decade.”

I just can't understand why people want to bring children onto a dying planet to face a living hell. The argument about biological imperatives and the drive to replicate your genes just doesn't stack up any more. Surely the survival instinct, which is blamed for our desire to procreate, is telling us it's time to stop being selfish, and stop having kids. 

Image 1: Photoshopped by author.

Image 2: John, my father.

Article reference: ‘Soon it will be unrecognisable’: total climate meltdown cannot be stopped, says expert, Robin McKie, 31 July 2022, The Guardian.