I think most of us accept that we aren't perfect. Unless you are a narcissist you are probably like me in that there are key aspects of yourself you would like to change. If so you might regularly beat yourself up about it like I do. Although I am a high achiever, so maybe my level of self criticism is driven by that.
One of the liberating things that came out of COVID is the public recognition of the prevalence of mental health issues in our society. Before COVID I don't remember commercial TV presenters talking about things like low-level anxiety and listening to TV 'expert' psychs on the couch reassuring the public that it is common to wake around 2 or 3 am and forensically examine your deeds and conversations of the day. I don't know whether I invented the term 'cringe factor' but I use it to refer to my tendency to cringe at some of the things I have said to people, and my ungracious responses to things that have happened during the day. I want to be better. I want to be more gracious, more patient and less angry. But it's so hard to change.Many years ago I was in a relationship that was quite destructive. My partner at that time had some bad life habits, but I did too. I remember during a huge argument I went to see a friend who was a Jungian psychologist and through tears of frustration I asked him why I kept making bad choices in my life and why, even though I could see that's what I was doing, I couldn't stop doing it! I know why now but at the time I was confused and at a turning point. He said something to this effect: 'Keep noticing, every time, what you are doing. One day - you will just stop'. At the time it didn't help much, but he was absolutely right.
After a while I saw the dynamics of that relationship very clearly and ended it, only to get into a short marriage that ended in divorce. The issues were quite different, however extricating myself from that was equally complicated and devastating for both parties so obviously I still hadn't learnt what I needed to. Fortunately since then and for the past 22 years I have been in a good relationship that has been mutually beneficial.
Resolving one critical aspect of life was a relief however my constant and regular relapses of behaviour in other areas have been and continue to be a source of anxiety. In order to change behaviour, I have to understand it first. There are strategies to manage anxiety and fear. First you have to notice what is going on. Then you have to remember that this is a pattern - you've been here before - so you know from experience that nothing lasts forever. Believe it and accept where you are. The most important thing to do through the whole process, which may take minutes, hours or days as you go around and around in circles - is remember to breathe and let go of self judgement.
If you ever get to a point where you accept bad and good states of mind equally - you have probably evolved into an enlightened being! I'm a long way from that.
The bad news is I am still as imperfect as I ever was. The good news is that as I have aged, I have found ways to better 'manage' my state of mind - sometimes....
Image: Balloon Girl by author.
When I read this I think, as I often have, that I wish we were neighbors. We would have so much to talk about. We carry our histories deep within us, inscribed on our bones like the ancient art on the cave walls. Our stories are always within us. We move on; we learn; we grow; but they are always there.
ReplyDeleteI think I would enjoy having you as a neighbour too Robin. Meeting people in cyberspace is good because you get to chat with people you would never know in 'real life', but it has its downside too.
DeleteI have had bad habits I seemed incapable of changing and then, like someone pressed a switch, I just found them unrewarding. It can be a long process though, change is uper tough especially if our unhelpful behaviours are rooted long in the past
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