Fear and death
have been and remain a big part of my life. Many people think this is a
weakness, and I would have agreed with them once. I have been obsessed with death since I was a child - it lives on my left
shoulder. I have a habit of imagining disastrous scenarios right in the middle
of life affirming experiences. I always attributed this to a rocky childhood
and subsequent lack of emotional resilience. Now I think there is much more to
it. The sort of fear I am talking about arises from the knowledge that I am
always one breath away from death. Paradoxically there is real comfort in that
knowledge, but I don't deny it is often difficult to live with.
Much of my life
occurs in the realm of 'consensual reality' - constant activity, other people,
egos, things, stuff and so much trivial nonsense. After spending a bit of time in this
realm I feel quite mad, insane mad, not angry. I've stopped beating myself up
because I don't fit into this world, because I am now absolutely convinced it
is an illusion. Of course I am not the first to say this. I think instinctually
I have always known it, but I have tried hard to fit in because nobody wants to
be completely alienated.
After a
lifetime of study and grappling with this issue, I no longer feel bad for
deliberately seeking out the darkness. In fact I feel quite vindicated because there
is much evidence to support my love of it. Here is one example (of many) I found
recently, but first a bit of background information.
In 1932, Jung met Heinrich Zimmer, 'professor of
Sanskrit at Heidelberg University'. Zimmer became one of Jung’s few close male
friends and helped him to more fully understand Eastern spirituality. 'Through
Zimmer....Jung became acquainted with Ramana’s life story and....spiritual
teachings'. (Stein, 66) This is an excerpt from one of those stories:
'During the immense interlude after the destruction of
the universe, when the potential for a new creation exists only within Vishnu’s
dream, there is a remarkable event. A holy man by the name of Markendaya
wanders around inside the body of the god, gazing over the peaceful earth....One
day, in his aimless meander....he inadvertently falls out of the mouth of the
sleeping god. “Vishnu is sleeping with his lips open a little, breathing with a
deep, sonorous, rhythmical sound, in the immense silence of the night . . . And
the astonished saint, falling from the sleeper’s giant lip, plunges headlong
into the cosmic sea”.
Landing in the
black waters of nonexistence, Markendaya sees only the utter darkness of an
endless ocean. Fearing for his life, he splashes in the Void until he begins to
question whether this experience is a dream, but then he wonders whether the
comfortable world of his normal existence is the real illusion. While pondering
the true nature of reality, his eyes adjust to the darkness, and he sees the
sleeping god, whose giant body resembles a mountain range. “The saint swam
nearer, to study the presence and . . . to ask who this was, when the giant
seized him, summarily swallowed him, and he was again in the familiar landscape
of the interior”
Startled and
puzzled by the experience, Markendaya gradually resumes his holy pilgrimage,
enjoying the beauty of earthly life for another hundred years. But then again,
he slips from the mouth of Vishnu and falls into the pitch black sea. This time
he sees the god as a small child, cheerfully at play in the vast dark ocean.
Vishnu once again reveals his true nature as the Lord of the Universe, and the
sage prays to him. “Let me know the secret of your Maya, the secret of your
apparition now as child, lying and playing in the infinite sea.” In response,
Vishnu teaches the identity of opposites:
The secret of
Maya is the identity of opposites. Maya is simultaneous and successive
manifestation of energies that are at variance with each other, processes
contradicting and annihilating each other: creation and destruction, evolution
and dissolution, the dream-idyll of the inward vision of the god and the
desolate nought, the terror of the void, the dreadful infinite. This “and,”
uniting incompatibles, expresses the fundamental character of the Highest Being....Opposites are fundamentally of the one essence, two aspects of the one
Vishnu.
For a second
time, the god swallows the holy sage who vanishes into his body. Rather than
trying to judge which experience is true, Markendaya meditates on the teaching
that his earthly existence and the Void are one. (Stein, 67)
This is what I
have learnt. I know this to be true - but I regularly forget as I busy myself
with my worldy life. After a while though, as has just happened again recently,
I go in search of the Void. There was terror in confronting this reality for the
first time - real terror - and that terror may come again. However, avoiding the terror by taking
anti-depressants, alcohol, drugs or chasing constant worldy distractions just
delays the inevitable. If you don't love the darkness, integrate the opposites,
acknowledge and face the 'negative' energy that is an equal part of the
universe, it is not possible to know what reality is.
Having said that, I accept, but I don't really understand, that many people have no interest in knowing what reality is anyway.
Maya: The power
by which the universe becomes manifest.
Markandeya is
an ancient Hindu sage. He is celebrated as a devotee of both Shiva and Vishnu
and is mentioned in a number of Hindu stories.
Richard Stein,
"Snapshots from the Void: Reflections on Jung's Relationship to Indian
Yoga" Jung Journal: Culture &
Psyche, Vol. 4, No. 2 (Spring 2010), pp. 62-84, University of California
Press
