The Game

                                 'Draw a stop sign and place something/someone in front of it'.

This is the last couple of art therapy techniques for now. Turns out I don't even need to submit these drawings to pass the unit. There is a test and some case studies to comment on which I have pretty much completed. The guiding questions for this exercise are:

• What did you place in front of the stop sign? 
• How does it relate to your life? 
• Does the item hurt you or help you?
• How long has it been there? 
• What are you doing to keep it there or take it away?

Once again the symbolism is opaque/obscure and I don't actually know what this one means either. But as I write I'm thinking - maybe it does make some sense in the context of my life at the moment.

I'm taking a risk here because I work for the government and I'm not supposed to say anything about my job. But what I'm about to say doesn't threaten prison security one little bit so maybe I don't give a flying fuck. This year has been terrible for many, possibly most, people and we are all emotionally exhausted. COVID hasn't directly affected our small part of the world but it has affected us indirectly in the west of Australia because of the economic fallout and the logistics of managing the virus, to varying degrees. 

For example earlier in the year my class size was cut in half to maintain COVID distancing - even though we had no cases in the prison system. There was also an unrelated OHS issue that forced me to teach in a room unfit for purpose. As a result my 'completion rates' are down and things like that affect our funding.  I work my arse off in that job. I work 2 x 7 hour days and get paid for 10 hours but I tolerate that because I love my work and the actual hourly rate is good. However, I'm supposed to get a certain number of students through per X amount of dollars I get paid, which means that through no fault of mine, my completion rates have been down. It's absolute bullshit - the REAL outcomes I achieve in my job aren't taken into account because they can't be measured. This is where we get into 'qualitative vs quantitative' territory and because the 'game' is set up in favour of the latter, quantity wins over quality EVERY damn time. The bean counters run the entire world and THAT'S turned out really well hasn't it?

I found out this week that in 2021 my teaching hours may be cut from 10 to 7.5 a week. I can barely pay my bills on 10 hours so losing 2.5 hours will make a difference. The reduction in my hours isn't a direct result of my lower completions this year but the decision to cut our budget is the result of a mean-spirited neo-liberal federal government whose favourite mantra is: 'if you HAVE a go, you'll GET a go'. WTF? Yeh, on a level playing field maybe.....

I'm gutted - and not just because of the money. I'm gutted because it will be the fifth government teaching job in which I have lost hours or entire contracts because of budget cuts. I feel obsolete - that I am once again being taken out of the game through no fault of my own. It's easy for others to say it is no reflection on my worth - they may be right but it certainly doesn't feel like that. 

Coming back from a surf today it occurred to me that at some point in my life, I joined 'the game'. As a younger artist I didn't care about it because I knew from the start that the game was bullshit. So now, when I'm being forced out of the game, I'm wondering why I even care - given that I never used to. I know more than ever that the game is bullshit - but I've lost faith. I used to believe that if I lost one job, something better would turn up - and it often did. But as an older person, an older woman too - in a culture in which women in my age bracket are the most insecure and at risk financially - I'm finding it impossible to stick to my mantra.

I will leave you with the last of my art therapy images. This one is 'Draw a seed and something growing out of it e.g. a fruit tree, idea or something you want for the future' and here are the guiding questions, which I have no clear answers for at the moment either:

• Tell me what is growing out of the seed?
• How long will it take to grow?
• What can you do to help it grow well?
• Is it something worth waiting for?

Images: Author. Hand drawn. Artline pen, texta and coloured pencil.