Well I've done it - I've quit my well-paying, 2 day a week job.
I can't afford to and there are many other reasons I should stay, but these are all 'head' constructs. The 'heart' reality is that my heart is no longer in it and the stress has been making me ill.
I sent the email to my boss this morning. It was a difficult email to write and I know it will have huge flow on effects. I console myself with the knowledge that I gave everything I could for 5 years and 1 school term. I'm exhausted and I can't do it any more.
I needed the space to sort out what was really going on. In the end I needed less space than I thought because I made the decision in about 2 weeks. One of the key indicators I am on the wrong road is that I haven't been doing anything creatively for myself for quite a while. Serendipitously it was this meme I randomly came across on Facebook that triggered my decision - and the question I asked myself:
wtf am I doing trying to function in a completely dysfunctional uncreative patriarchal system?
I couldn't find an acceptable answer, so here I am.
What's next? I don't know. I have some vague idea about completing my Certificate IV in Mental Health - I've done a few units already. Other than that, nothing. I'll keep engaging in my environmental activism but that's voluntary.
I guess I'll go along with the medical model for a while and get a heart ultrasound done (though they found nothing abnormal when I had one last year, after misdiagnosing an ulcer - probably stress-related) and do a heart stress test as well. I had to request to be bulk-billed. Technically I am on the 'poverty-line' in regards to income, but I don't get any concessions. My first visit to a doctor a few weeks ago to get steroid medication for severe headaches as a result of chronic sinus issues cost me $126 - of which only $75 was returned to me.
I'll invest some more money in my Naturopath who, unlike the medical system, seems to have a more nuanced appreciation of the mechanisms of hypothyroidism (not all TSHs* are the same). She'll get some blood tests done to assess what is going on and we can go from there. She also knows a lot more about diet than the doctor I saw who told me that cow's milk has more calcium than soy so is better for you. A quick Google will tell you otherwise (cow's milk also has more fat unless you use no-fat, which tastes like cardboard):
Advice like this doesn't increase my confidence in the medical system. I must say that I am very grateful for their input when it comes to the mechanical side of things - they are brilliant at reconstructing broken bodies, removing blockages and bits that don't work any more, and replacing them with bits that do work. But when it comes to an appreciation of the holistic aspects of the body-mind relationship, they generally have a long way to go.
My partner tells me that you have to close one door before another opens. We'll see what's next.
*Thyroid Stimulating Hormone
Images: Referencing on images.
Chart: I've lost the reference but a quick Google will probably get you there.
I'm cheering for you! I am way to gutless to close doors until I see another and I don't think it serves me well.
ReplyDeleteCert 4 in mental health might lead somewhere......
Allopathic medicine does some things brilliantly but it's terrible at many, if the naturopath doesn't help, my daughter has had great sinus results from acupuncture
Thanks Kylie. I didn't think about acupuncture for sinus issues.
DeleteRe being 'brave' - I don't think I have any choice because if I stay in the job, I will only get more unwell. Given that my energy levels were about 10% some days going to work, I couldnt physically cope anyway.
It's good to make the hard decisions and act on it. Quitting a job is not an easy thing to do, but it's often the right thing. I've done it many times, moved on and found better ways to have an income and live and be healthy.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find answers to your health questions. The medical profession doesn't seem all that competent these days here in the USA. We often end up diagnosing ourselves or at least trying to.
Take care there, and keep us posted. Thinking of you.
That's encouraging Robin. I used to believe there was always something coming aournd the corner but as I have aged, my options aren't as plentiful so I have found it hard to be optimistic at times.
DeleteI am pretty confident I'll sort out my health issues. I am one of those people whose psychological state has a huge effect on their physical state. Just removing the stress of going to work has made me feel better already. The thyroid thing has probably been going on my whole like because I have a genetic predisposition.
Stopping by after a long hiatus, and I congratulate you for taking care of yourself. I did the same thing many years ago and my bank account suffered, but my health improved mightily. Do you feel your chest expand with deep breathes, now? What a relief to let go of such a job which only brings you suffering.
ReplyDeleteTurns out I am hypothyroid, too, and on medication. It helps. I hope you get yours sorted. Thing is, my doc didn't tell me to take my medication by itself, as it tends to bind to other meds if taken at the same time and renders it useless. My acupuncturist told me this!! So, yeah, MDs are great for some things but you've gotta do your own research.
Be well.
Thanks Tara.
DeleteI'm not breathing as deeply as I would like just yet. I am still dealing with the trauma of leaving a job that was good ins oem respects, as well as the feeling that I am letting a lot of peole down. My boss, who has always been so supportive, won't be able to replace me easily. The job requires a particular skill set and was vacant for years before I started. But yes, I needed to leave for my own health so I will have to work through all of those emotions.
I'm seeing my Naturopath today. I think it will take time but I feel as though I am on the right track.
Years ago a former partner told me of a book she'd read by an M.D. who advocated a TSH of 1, or less. I had to change physicians several times b4 I found one who would support me, despite his skepticism. A couple of years ago when I asked her for the title she said the current research is probably more accurate.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog so maybe you mentioned but I have to ask: Have you been checked for Epstein Barr or Fibromyalgia?
Congratulations on jumping ship. 5 years is a solid contribution and your health has to come first.
MFH definitely a candidate for (self-diagnosed) fibromyalgia. I tend to stay out of the medical system as much as I can.
DeleteI'll Google Epstein Barr, but the more I research the more I'm convinced it's adrenal fatigue (which implicates the thyroid as well because it is part of the adrenal system). I need to find out more.
Oh wow Michelle, this is huge for you. Definitely sounds like the right decision but I can understand all the anxieties about it too.
ReplyDeleteYeh it is pretty huge Sarah. I know I did some good work at the prison (a lot of people told me that too) and they really want me to go back, but I just can't do it any more. I've also realised I don't want to be a 'teacher'. I knew already because I've always suffered from 'imposter syndrome' in that regard. I've struggled in that role because I'm much more of a mentor - I think that's why I get such good results. I trust each person knows what is best for them if they are supported. But the system forces me into unnatural behaviours and it's inevitable that will take it's toll over time.
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